Stopping people pleasing: How to unlearn people pleasing behaviour

Always put others first?  

This guide to stopping people pleasing will help you set boundaries, say no, and put YOU back on the priority list.

Ah, people pleasing. You know it’s not sustainable; always saying yes, putting others first, and keeping the peace no matter what. 

Chances are you’ve landed on this page because you know your people pleasing tendencies NEED to stop. 

I’ll level with you, stopping people pleasing ain’t easy, especially when you fear every people-pleaser’s worst nightmare: letting other people down. 

(Can anyone else hear the theme tune of Psycho playing faintly in the background?!) 

But nobody panic. 

In about two minutes, I’m going to give you a bunch of tools to stop people pleasing in a way that won’t make you feel like a total asshole or lead to a bunch of conflict and discomfort. 

But first, are you actually a people pleaser? Let’s find out… 

 Psst! Never want to worry about

being a people pleaser again?

My one-to-one coaching sessions

will help you kick the habit for good.

What is a people pleaser? 

By definition, a people pleaser is someone who puts other people’s needs before their own, which, on the surface, sounds like a pretty cool and admirable thing to do. 

Trouble is, people pleasers often prioritise others to avoid conflict or to be liked and to fit in. 

The other issue? When you’re super busy making sure everyone else is happy, it usually means your own needs and wants routinely fall to the wayside. 

And that can have some serious downsides if it’s not corrected over time. We’re talking anger, frustration, self-worth and self-esteem issues, anxiety, and a loss of self. 

If you’ve just found yourself nodding along (and have now diagnosed yourself as a card-carrying people-pleaser), don’t panic. 

The first step to stopping people pleasing is to recognise the habit and then slowly unravel it.

Before we do that, we need to answer one big question… .

What causes people pleasing? 

If stopping people-pleasing is your goal, understanding why you do it is pretty damn important. 

Why do you often say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? Why do you need other people’s approval to feel good? 

People pleasing behaviour usually stems from one of these…. 

Low self-esteem: Yep, if you don’t value yourself, then you’ll probably have a pretty hard time recognising your needs and wants as a priority. Ergo, everyone else comes first! 

Fear of conflict: You don’t like confrontation. I mean, who does? People pleasers, though, are really worried about confrontation and will do pretty much anything to avoid it, including staying quiet, when they really should speak up. 

Family experiences: Your past shapes your present in a big way when it comes to people-pleasing behaviour, and if you always played the role of caregiver and emotional regulator in your family when you were growing up, there’s a big chance you’ll have people pleasing tendencies as an adult too. 

Insecurity: When you’re unsure of yourself, you’re more likely to seek validation and approval from others. And that often means we do our best to please others so we can be accepted and liked. 

Perfectionism: If you’re the kind of person who wants to do everything to the highest standards, then you’ll probably set unrealistic expectations in your relationships too. 

That can look like avoiding conflict at all costs and saying ‘yes’ so you can be the perfect child/parent/colleague/friend. 

Recognise yourself in any of these patterns?

That’s a good thing. Awareness is the first step to change. So, let’s go… 

6 steps to stopping people pleasing 

1. Get comfortable saying ‘no’ 

I know what you’re thinking. Easier said than done, right? For the people pleaser, saying ‘no’ feels like lobbing an insult at someone, but what if you reframed it? 
What if saying ‘no’ wasn’t a rejection, but a protection? It doesn’t just protect your time, energy and wellbeing, it also leads to greater integrity in your relationships. 
Because after all, do you really want to do things for other people begrudgingly? 
When you say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’, you feel angry and resentful, and those emotions aren’t doing you or the people close to you any favours.

By saying no, you are ensuring that you can give the right energy to the people around you when it matters most.

You can show up fully. 

2. Start disappointing people 

If just reading that sentence made you feel uncomfortable, I totally get it! 

Nobody likes to feel like they’re letting others down, but if stopping people pleasing is your goal, you need to make peace with the fact that you can’t satisfy everybody all of the time. 

So consider this your permission slip to start refusing requests that don’t align with your priorities. Look for small ways to put this into action. 

Maybe it’s turning down that Zoom call or saying no to a favour you just don’t have the capacity for. 

The really good news? The more you do this, the easier it gets. Slowly but surely, you teach your nervous system that the world doesn’t end when you say no. 

3. Let go of being ‘the good one’ 

Has being the good, reliable, caring and easy-going one become your identity? Do you pride yourself on being someone friends and family can rely on, no matter what? 

That’s admirable, but you can probably admit it’s also pretty suffocating. 

Family and professional structures can reward you for playing this part, but there’s an emotional load that comes with being the person who always drops everything, keeps the peace, and has all the answers. 

Stopping people pleasing behaviour means letting go of the roles that no longer serve you. Wondering how exactly you do that? 

Start by rewriting the script. Literally! 

Take these prompts, put pen to paper, and start filling in the blanks: 

"I’m allowed to stop being the one who always _______."

"I’m allowed to be the one who _______."

See if you can come up with five for each.

One focuses on letting go of roles that no longer serve you, while the other gives you permission to choose yourself. 

4. Use your values as a filter 

If your immediate response to that heading is, “Um, but what are my values?”, consider yourself a bona fide people pleaser! 

When people pleasing is your modus operandi, you don’t give much thought to what truly matters to you.

You’re too busy managing everyone else’s needs, expectations, and feelings. 

Now’s your time to figure out what’s actually important to you. (And when you do that, prioritising your own needs becomes SO much easier.

Start by asking yourself:

• What actually matters to me in life and work?

• What do I want to stand for?

• What do I want to feel more of each day, and what do I want to feel less of?

Then write down your top five values, AKA the things that feel most important to you when you strip away the noise. These values become your filter. Values like trust, freedom,

So, next time you’re about to say yes to something, ask yourself: Does this align with my values? 

It’s not about being difficult (heaven forbid!) but remembering that you and your values matter too. 

5. Set boundaries (and actually mean it!)

A people pleaser’s boundaries can be described as ‘lax’ at best and ‘non-existent’ at worst. 

For the people pleaser, boundaries are akin to being difficult and disappointing people. But not having them is only harming one person: YOU. 

So, how do you figure out your boundaries and, more importantly, enforce them? 

Start by identifying your limits. 

Where are you currently feeling drained, frustrated, or resentful? (

These emotions are usually a good sign that boundaries are lax and people pleasing is at play!) 

Once you’ve identified these areas, put pen to paper and reflect on what your needs are. What boundaries do you need to make these areas more manageable, peaceful, and balanced? 

And now that you’ve got those boundaries? It’s time for the tough part: consciously enforcing them.
Enforcing boundaries means sticking to your decision, EVEN when it feels uncomfortable. It’s stopping people pleasing 101: you need to say no (without guilt!) and prioritise your own needs (without feeling bad about it.)  

Here are some phrases to help you get started: 

• "I can't take this on right now."

• "I need some time to myself."

• "That doesn't work for me at the moment."

  
  6. Expect resistance 

Is everyone going to love this new assertive version of you? No. People who frequently overstep will be the first to get annoyed when you stop people pleasing.

Will they get used to it? Yes. 

This is probably the hardest part of stopping people pleasing. You’ll need to learn to stand your ground and to remember that you aren’t being difficult, uncaring, or selfish. 

You’re simply protecting your own mental and emotional health. And when you think about it: only when you prioritise your own needs, do you have more to give to others. 

Although the change is hard,

You’ll be learning to stand your ground and to remember that you aren’t being difficult, uncaring, or selfish. 

You’re simply protecting your own mental and emotional health. And when you think about it: only when you prioritise your own needs, do you have more to give to others. 

And if you’re thinking,

“I need accountability to make this change?”

That’s exactly what you’ll get in my one-to-one coaching sessions. 
It’s everything you need to understand why you people please, and shift those behaviours for good (without feeling bad about it!) 

‘Cause it’s time to put YOU back on the priority list!

P.S. listen to my Podcast episode - Career Change at 40 - is it to late? Spoiler No, its Your time

Resilience & Perseverance: How to develop these essential skills in times of change

Struggling with change?

Struggling with change? Success hinges on your ability to bounce back. Learn how to build resilience and perseverance so you can navigate uncertainty and setbacks. 

Change is inevitable. It’s also scary. And if there are two sidekicks you’re going to need to navigate it, it’s resilience and perseverance. 

Whether you’re leaving behind an unfulfilling corporate career, untangling yourself from systems that no longer serve you, or transitioning into entrepreneurship, resilience and perseverance will be your strongest allies. 

(I know from experience that they’re the difference between feeling crushed under the weight of change and feeling empowered by it.) 

Cultivate these two and you can adapt to uncertainty, bounce back from adversity, and ultimately find a purpose-driven career or business that aligns with your values. 

I won’t bullsh*t you. Resilience and perseverance aren’t a given; they are skills you need to consciously develop. 

So, let’s look at exactly how to do that, shall we? 

Navigating change alone is tough.

Let’s work through it together

Understanding resilience and perseverance 

First up, let’s do a deep dive on what resilience and perseverance actually are. 

What is resilience? 

Think of resilience as your ability to bounce back from setbacks and failure. 

It’s about finding an inner strength and resolve when things go wrong and learning to adapt to challenges, even when they feel impossible. 

Developing resilience means that, in time, the stuff that once bugged you no longer feels like such a big deal. 

What is perseverance? 

Put simply, perseverance is your ability to keep on keeping on when times are tough. It’s a stamina to keep working towards your goals, despite the many obstacles. 

It differs from motivation, which can fluctuate. Instead, perseverance is refusing to quit, no matter what challenges are thrown your way. 

Embracing the NEW!

Perseverance is your ability to keep on keeping on when times are tough. It’s a stamina to keep working towards your goals, despite the many obstacles. 

What resilience and perseverance aren’t…

If there’s one thing that really p**ses me off, it’s how resilience and perseverance are terms that have been hijacked by corporates who use them for their benefit. 

In corporate environments, you’re often expected to bounce back quickly in systems that expect too much of you. 

This blog post isn’t about pushing yourself to the brink or ‘developing a thicker skin’ for someone else’s gain. 

No, this is where you’ll learn how to use resilience and perseverance as YOUR personal resource so that you can adapt and recover during times of setback and change. 
It’s about making these skills your closest allies, so you can keep pushing towards your goals, EVEN when the going gets tough. 

Why resilience and perseverance are crucial in times of change

Not everyone is going to tell you this but when you’re going through a big life change, failure is going to become your most frequent visitor. 

You will fail more than you’ll triumph. Following a new path will require so much from you - shedding old identities, confronting your fears, and embracing new ways of thinking.

The transition can feel isolating, uncertain, and overwhelming and without our friends resilience and perseverance it will be easy to retreat back to your comfort zone. 

You’ll face many knocks, but if you slowly build resilience and perseverance you will… 

1. Feel less threatened and intimidated by the unknown 

2. Adapt to changes more quickly 

3. Recover from setbacks - and even feel motivated by them 

4. Make sustainable progress towards your goals

    
   Need clarity on your next steps? Start here

How to develop resilience and perseverance 

1. Reframe failure - it says nothing about your worth! 

Have you ever wondered why failure really stings? It’s because too often we see it as a sign of our self-worth. 

We internalise failure and failing quickly becomes ‘I AM a failure’. 

What if you simply saw failure as part of the journey? After all, nobody has achieved anything great without encountering their fair share of it. 

Reflect on a recent setback you experienced. When you look at it objectively, can you see how it’s not a reflection of who you are or what you’re capable of? 

2. Watch your language 

The language we use shapes how we think and feel about challenges and setbacks. Be mindful about how you describe the obstacles you’re facing. 

“This is impossible” and “I can’t do it” are disempowering phrases that lead to helplessness. Try replacing them with “This is difficult, but I will find a way” and “I can’t do this yet, but I’ll figure it out.” 

This way you’re focusing on growth, not defeat. 

3.Focus on the bigger picture 

A major part of developing resilience and perseverance is remembering why you started. 

When things get tough, it’s easy to get bogged down in the details and lose sight of your goals. 

Now is the time to visualise the end goal. Get hungry for it because when you know who you are and what you want from life, you’re more likely to keep pushing for it, no matter the setbacks. 

4. See challenges as learning opportunities 

I’ll be totally honest with you. There are times in my life when I’ve failed and if someone had told me to ‘see it as a learning opportunity’ I might have wanted to punch them in the face. (Or at the very least, send them a strongly worded email.) 

But after experiencing my fair share of setbacks, I know that the ability to find a lesson in a challenge is the difference between sink or swim. 

If you can find any lesson, no matter how small, in whatever it is you’re dealing with, you can find the determination to keep going. It’s no longer a defeat, but part of the learning process. 

Instead of asking ‘Why is this happening to me?’, try asking, ‘What is this teaching me?’. 

5.Be ready to pivot 

I’m pretty sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but life rarely goes to plan, no matter how well you plan for it. 

And that’s why flexibility and adaptability are key when it comes to developing resilience and perseverance. 

I don’t know about you, but I find great relief in acknowledging that things can and - let’s be honest here - will go wrong. 

When the plan changes (and trust me, it will) it’s okay to feel frustrated and to vent, but try not to get stuck there. 

Take a beat, and assess the detour. (Is it really as bad as you think it is?) 

Sometimes the best way forward isn’t the one you envisaged, so be open to other paths. 

6.Practice emotional regulation 

Nobody would blame you for throwing a bit of a tantrum when your best-laid plans go to sh*t. When setbacks happen, it’s easy (and dare I say, normal?) to get swept away by our emotions. 

Resilience and perseverance aren’t about suppressing your emotions, but about learning how to manage your emotions so they don’t manage you. 

What does that look like? 

When the sh*t hits the proverbial fan, it’s recognising your feelings, giving yourself space to process them, and choosing how you respond. 

I know what you’re thinking: Easy in theory, not so easy in practice, right? 

One simple practice that makes it easier is deep breathing. Take a moment (or however long you need) to breathe deeply, centre yourself, and assess the situation.

A final thought on resilience and perseverance 

Success isn’t a straight line, and whatever change you’re navigating right now, it can be helpful to remember that. 

You’re going to encounter lots of twists and turns, and when it feels like all is lost, it’s resilience and perseverance that will help you bounce back and keep moving forward. 

We can never fully protect ourselves from life’s curveballs, but if we develop resilience and perseverance, we can embrace the wobbly nature of change and keep going. 

I see all of you!

I believe in you, even when you doubt yourself and feel you have run out of resilience and perseverance!

Struggling with change? Let’s work through it together

P.S. listen to my Podcast episode - Career Change at 40 - is it to late? Spoiler No, its Your time