Stopping people pleasing: How to unlearn people pleasing behaviour
Always put others first?
This guide to stopping people pleasing will help you set boundaries, say no, and put YOU back on the priority list.
Ah, people pleasing. You know it’s not sustainable; always saying yes, putting others first, and keeping the peace no matter what.
Chances are you’ve landed on this page because you know your people pleasing tendencies NEED to stop.
I’ll level with you, stopping people pleasing ain’t easy, especially when you fear every people-pleaser’s worst nightmare: letting other people down.
(Can anyone else hear the theme tune of Psycho playing faintly in the background?!)
But nobody panic.
In about two minutes, I’m going to give you a bunch of tools to stop people pleasing in a way that won’t make you feel like a total asshole or lead to a bunch of conflict and discomfort.
But first, are you actually a people pleaser? Let’s find out…
Psst! Never want to worry about
being a people pleaser again?
My one-to-one coaching sessions
will help you kick the habit for good.
What is a people pleaser?
By definition, a people pleaser is someone who puts other people’s needs before their own, which, on the surface, sounds like a pretty cool and admirable thing to do.
Trouble is, people pleasers often prioritise others to avoid conflict or to be liked and to fit in.
The other issue? When you’re super busy making sure everyone else is happy, it usually means your own needs and wants routinely fall to the wayside.
And that can have some serious downsides if it’s not corrected over time. We’re talking anger, frustration, self-worth and self-esteem issues, anxiety, and a loss of self.
If you’ve just found yourself nodding along (and have now diagnosed yourself as a card-carrying people-pleaser), don’t panic.
The first step to stopping people pleasing is to recognise the habit and then slowly unravel it.
Before we do that, we need to answer one big question… .
What causes people pleasing?
If stopping people-pleasing is your goal, understanding why you do it is pretty damn important.
Why do you often say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? Why do you need other people’s approval to feel good?
People pleasing behaviour usually stems from one of these….
Low self-esteem: Yep, if you don’t value yourself, then you’ll probably have a pretty hard time recognising your needs and wants as a priority. Ergo, everyone else comes first!
Fear of conflict: You don’t like confrontation. I mean, who does? People pleasers, though, are really worried about confrontation and will do pretty much anything to avoid it, including staying quiet, when they really should speak up.
Family experiences: Your past shapes your present in a big way when it comes to people-pleasing behaviour, and if you always played the role of caregiver and emotional regulator in your family when you were growing up, there’s a big chance you’ll have people pleasing tendencies as an adult too.
Insecurity: When you’re unsure of yourself, you’re more likely to seek validation and approval from others. And that often means we do our best to please others so we can be accepted and liked.
Perfectionism: If you’re the kind of person who wants to do everything to the highest standards, then you’ll probably set unrealistic expectations in your relationships too.
That can look like avoiding conflict at all costs and saying ‘yes’ so you can be the perfect child/parent/colleague/friend.
Recognise yourself in any of these patterns?
That’s a good thing. Awareness is the first step to change. So, let’s go…
6 steps to stopping people pleasing
Get comfortable saying ‘no’
I know what you’re thinking. Easier said than done, right? For the people pleaser, saying ‘no’ feels like lobbing an insult at someone, but what if you reframed it?
What if saying ‘no’ wasn’t a rejection, but a protection? It doesn’t just protect your time, energy and wellbeing, it also leads to greater integrity in your relationships.
Because after all, do you really want to do things for other people begrudgingly?
When you say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’, you feel angry and resentful, and those emotions aren’t doing you or the people close to you any favours.
By saying no, you are ensuring that you can give the right energy to the people around you when it matters most.
You can show up fully.
2. Start disappointing people
If just reading that sentence made you feel uncomfortable, I totally get it!
Nobody likes to feel like they’re letting others down, but if stopping people pleasing is your goal, you need to make peace with the fact that you can’t satisfy everybody all of the time.
So consider this your permission slip to start refusing requests that don’t align with your priorities. Look for small ways to put this into action.
Maybe it’s turning down that Zoom call or saying no to a favour you just don’t have the capacity for.
The really good news? The more you do this, the easier it gets. Slowly but surely, you teach your nervous system that the world doesn’t end when you say no.
3. Let go of being ‘the good one’
Has being the good, reliable, caring and easy-going one become your identity? Do you pride yourself on being someone friends and family can rely on, no matter what?
That’s admirable, but you can probably admit it’s also pretty suffocating.
Family and professional structures can reward you for playing this part, but there’s an emotional load that comes with being the person who always drops everything, keeps the peace, and has all the answers.
Stopping people pleasing behaviour means letting go of the roles that no longer serve you. Wondering how exactly you do that?
Start by rewriting the script. Literally!
Take these prompts, put pen to paper, and start filling in the blanks:
"I’m allowed to stop being the one who always _______."
"I’m allowed to be the one who _______."
See if you can come up with five for each.
One focuses on letting go of roles that no longer serve you, while the other gives you permission to choose yourself.
4. Use your values as a filter
If your immediate response to that heading is, “Um, but what are my values?”, consider yourself a bona fide people pleaser!
When people pleasing is your modus operandi, you don’t give much thought to what truly matters to you.
You’re too busy managing everyone else’s needs, expectations, and feelings.
Now’s your time to figure out what’s actually important to you. (And when you do that, prioritising your own needs becomes SO much easier.
Start by asking yourself:
What actually matters to me in life and work?
What do I want to stand for?
What do I want to feel more of each day, and what do I want to feel less of?
Then write down your top five values, AKA the things that feel most important to you when you strip away the noise. These values become your filter. Values like trust, freedom,
So, next time you’re about to say yes to something, ask yourself: Does this align with my values?
It’s not about being difficult (heaven forbid!) but remembering that you and your values matter too.
5. Set boundaries (and actually mean it!)
A people pleaser’s boundaries can be described as ‘lax’ at best and ‘non-existent’ at worst.
For the people pleaser, boundaries are akin to being difficult and disappointing people. But not having them is only harming one person: YOU.
So, how do you figure out your boundaries and, more importantly, enforce them?
Start by identifying your limits.
Where are you currently feeling drained, frustrated, or resentful? (
These emotions are usually a good sign that boundaries are lax and people pleasing is at play!)
Once you’ve identified these areas, put pen to paper and reflect on what your needs are. What boundaries do you need to make these areas more manageable, peaceful, and balanced?
And now that you’ve got those boundaries? It’s time for the tough part: consciously enforcing them.
Enforcing boundaries means sticking to your decision, EVEN when it feels uncomfortable. It’s stopping people pleasing 101: you need to say no (without guilt!) and prioritise your own needs (without feeling bad about it.)
Here are some phrases to help you get started:
"I can't take this on right now."
"I need some time to myself."
"That doesn't work for me at the moment."
6. Expect resistance
Is everyone going to love this new assertive version of you? No. People who frequently overstep will be the first to get annoyed when you stop people pleasing.
Will they get used to it? Yes.
This is probably the hardest part of stopping people pleasing. You’ll need to learn to stand your ground and to remember that you aren’t being difficult, uncaring, or selfish.
You’re simply protecting your own mental and emotional health. And when you think about it: only when you prioritise your own needs, do you have more to give to others.
Although the change is hard,
You’ll be learning to stand your ground and to remember that you aren’t being difficult, uncaring, or selfish.
You’re simply protecting your own mental and emotional health. And when you think about it: only when you prioritise your own needs, do you have more to give to others.
And if you’re thinking,
“I need accountability to make this change?”
That’s exactly what you’ll get in my one-to-one coaching sessions.
It’s everything you need to understand why you people please, and shift those behaviours for good (without feeling bad about it!)
‘Cause it’s time to put YOU back on the priority list!
P.S. listen to my Podcast episode - Career Change at 40 - is it to late? Spoiler No, its Your time
